Having sick kids.

Ah the joys of having kids. I have seriously neglected my writing. Not because I wanted to but because trying to find a block of time for myself is kinda hard these days. The Monday before Valentines Day I picked up Mason from school as usual. When he got in the car and started talking, I noticed he sounded kind of raspy. Hmmmm... As the night progressed so did this germ bug. Tuesday morning = full blown cold. No school for Mason. Tuesday he kinda loafed around. He played in his room nice and quiet. I was trying to keep him away from Noah as much as possible. I figured I would give him another day home to rest up and get over this bug. Wednesday = I should have sent him to school. Not that he was less sick but it was National Torment Mommy Day. He must have gotten too much rest? Maybe? I don't know what his deal was but he made me crazy.

Wednesday afternoon he went to his Dad's.  AHH! A little bit of peace. The night ran smooth and all was well. That is until Thursday morning. Noah woke up and it sounded like he couldn't breathe out of his nose. Fuck. (Enter my potty mouth). So I call the doctor. (The reason why I didn't with Mason is because he can tell me what is wrong and what hurts. Noah can't). We get there and they look him over. No fever. Good. Lungs are clear. Good. He is just stuffed up. Duh. What can we do for him to make him comfortable?  Doctor says "Ummm, just use a saline spray and suck the boogies out. At night use a cool mist humidifier."
I had to drive here to be told that? It is raining and in the 40s outside and I dragged him out for this? "OK", I say and home we go.

I thought Noah was spoiled before getting sick. Boy did he rock my world. Besides being pathetic and teary eyed, he wanted to be held. Every second of every minute of every hour. Cute one may say. Not so much. He did look so pitiful so being held it is.

                                                               My little sicky face.

Mason got over the cold rather quickly. He went back to school on Thursday and Friday. He played soccer on Saturday. Can't say the same for Noah. He hasn't gotten worse but he isn't getting better. Monday comes and back to the doctors. Same thing. So now it is a week later and finally he shows signs of being better. So needless to say I haven't had any time to write.

Things are looking up though so maybe there will be more to come :)

Valentine's Day

When I am asked what Valentine's Day means the first thing that comes to mind is $$$. A normal bouquet of roses that normally would be $40 are now $100. I don't get it. Why spend $100 on something that will die in a couple of days? And then if you have school age kids you have those lovely parties in school. Not that they are super expensive but its just another thing you have to spend money on.

I started looking around on the web to find out what this day really meant. Here is what I found, courtesy of wikipedia.com:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine's_Day

Saint Valentine's Day, commonly known as Valentine's Day,^[1][2][3] or the Feast of Saint Valentine,^[4] is observed on February 14 each year. It is celebrated in many countries around the world, although it remains a working day in most of them.^[3]

St. Valentine's Day began as a liturgical celebration of one or more early Christian saints named Valentinus. The most popular martyrology associated with Saint Valentine was that he was imprisoned for performing weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry and for ministering to Christians, who were persecuted under the Roman Empire; during his imprisonment, he is said to have healed the daughter of his jailer Asterius. Legend states that before his execution he wrote "from your Valentine" as a farewell to her.^[5][6] Today, Saint Valentine's Day is an official feast day in the Anglican Communion,^[7] as well as in the Lutheran Church.^[8] The Eastern Orthodox Church also celebrates Saint Valentine's Day, albeit on July 6th and July 30th, the former date in honor of the Roman presbyterSaint Valentine, and the latter date in honor of Hieromartyr Valentine, the Bishop of Interamna (modern Terni).^[9][10]

The day was first associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished. By the 15th century, it had evolved into an occasion in which lovers expressed their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards (known as "valentines").^[1][3] Valentine's Day symbols that are used today include the heart-shaped outline, doves, and the figure of the winged Cupid. Since the 19th century, handwritten valentines have given way to mass-produced greeting cards.^[11]

Did you see in there where we should spend ridiculous amounts of money on crap we don't need? Flowers, cards, romantic meals, and chocolates should be part of a relationship throughout the year, not just on one day. You want to spend money on this day? Buy something for your significant other that they want or could use. Just a thought.

A NICU baby. Part 2.

My heart is hurting. I just had a baby and he isn't coming home. It's the day after he was born and I am being discharged. Now what? I live 42 miles away from the hospital and Mason is home. How can I be in 2 places?

The first night home wasn't bad. It felt good to sleep in my own bed. But now I had to find some sort of new routine. Wake up, drop Mason off to school, drive to St. Pete, stay for a little while with Noah, pick up Mason, and go home. At first, we would drive back in the evenings but it became too much. Not to mention that driving 42 miles each way twice a day was also rather costly in the gas department.

For 21 days this was my life. I probably should be grateful. There wasn't anything actually wrong with Noah. He was just a preemie. I guess to me it made it worse because there wasn't anything wrong and he still couldn't come home. I remember driving every morning to go see him. In the beginning it was so exciting. At first I would just be able to stare at him. Gradually we were allowed to do more. Then it would be time to leave and I would cry the whole drive home. I felt so guilty, like I was abandoning him.

A couple of times he would stop breathing while he was sleeping. It would only be for a couple of seconds and he would self correct but this is what kept him from coming home. He had to go 5 days without this happening. We would schedule a discharge date and on day 4 he would have and issue. This is when the drive there would become less exciting. Not because I didn't want to see him but because of worry. Once I was there I would be fine no matter what happened. But then it would be time to leave and the cycle would just continue.

Midway through all this I started to become very depressed. Everything was happening all at once. I had Noah and he wasn't coming home, was out of work 6 weeks earlier then planned and on top of that, being laid off at the end of the year, Mason was acting up in school, finances weren't great, and it was right before Christmas. Nervous breakdowns were not uncommon in my house. I wanted so bad for it to be over.

Noah was scheduled to be discharged on Dec. 3rd. It was a Monday. He had passed all his tests and was good to go. On Sunday when we were leaving to come home, we were so excited. That night I prayed. We drive there on Monday morning.The excitement was overwhelming. We get there only to find out the he had an episode early that morning. I wanted to die. He just received an extra 5 days. After that we stopped counting days. We stopped planning. Then it happened. Day 1, no issues. Day 2, no issues. Day 3 & 4, no issues. On day 5 I would know before we got there if Noah had any issues. If Abdul was gone in the a.m. it meant that Noah had issues. If he was home it meant we were good to go. He was going to call in the morning to find out how Noah did.

Needless to say, NOAH WAS COMING HOME!!!! We kept Mason home from school and away we went.

A NICU baby. Part 1.

While I was pregnant with Noah I always imagined how childbirth would be. I'd push him out, they'd lay him on my chest, and we go home a couple of days later. Even though the thought of the doctor putting a slimy baby on me kinda grossed me out, that is what I wanted. That, however, is not what I got.

On November 17th, 2012, Noah was born. There was no baby on the belly moment, at least not right away.  I pushed him out and they whisked him away. Probably had something to do with the fact that he was 6 weeks early. I remember a lot of commotion going on around the baby. Not that anything was wrong but at that point who knew? I remember finally hearing him cry. It was beautiful. They finally finished with him and brought him over to me. My beautiful little 3 lb. 15 oz little boy. I got to give him a few kisses and away he went. To the NICU he goes.

I tried to get some sleep before going over to see him. But I was becoming overwhelmed with pain. By this point any kind of numbing drug that was once in my body is gone. Sleep was not in the cards so off I went. I remember him looking so fragile, so tiny. I was in so much pain I couldn't stay. A while later my ex brought Mason to come meet his baby brother. Despite my pain, it was the most beautiful thing I saw.                                          

It is now late afternoon and the pain is becoming unbearable. I gave birth at 3:09 am. and I still haven't slept. That night they finally gave me 2 shots and I passed out. The next morning it hit me. I just gave birth yet there is no baby here. I felt empty. My heart sank. Not only that but I am being discharged today too. The life drained from me. How am I going to do this with one child at home and the other 40 miles away?

How do you heal yourself?

All of us go through life in our own ways. The cycle, however, is very similar. You meet people, people exit your life, you meet new people. Relationships form.  Relationships end. Its inevitable. It is human nature. But how do you heal when those relationships end?

My first adult relationship ended in divorce. I got married at 20. Young I know. We just weren't right for each other. First off we were 14 years apart. Secondly, we wanted different things out of life. 5 years into the marriage we separated. I wanted the divorce so it was easy for me to heal after that. Of course, for almost 5 years after we separated until the divorce was finally finalized, he proceeded to torment my life. And I am sure it will continue due to the fact we have Mason. He is the best thing that came out of that marriage. I make sure to remind myself of that daily.

My second adult relationship ended horribly. We started dating a short while after I separated from my ex. I give him a lot of kuddos. He dealt with all the stuff my ex was putting me through like a champ. Most men would have ran but he stuck by me. I really to this day don't know why. He didn't know me that well yet. Our relationship progressed. We were inseparable. He was my best friend. He was Mason's second dad. Almost 5 years into the relationship we made some mistakes. Costly mistakes. We broke up. We did however, continue to live with each other. Maybe this could work itself out? I was really distracted. I had a new job, and was meeting new people. A few months later I moved out.

I never really dealt with our breakup. It wasn't until I was in a new relationship and pregnant, then the feelings started to creep up on me. Hormones are a bitch. I wanted him back. By this point it was too late. The damage was done. I ended the current relationship to try to win him back. I failed. Too much damage has been done and I was too devastated to see it. All I was doing was torturing myself. I finally gave up. I waved the white flag. Be it what it may, you can't love someone that doesn't love you back. I would have never been what I once was to him. To be honest, at one point I would have accepted that.

How do you heal after that? Love does crazy things to us. Unexpected things. In a short time I lost what I thought was the love of my life and my best friend. Day by day I mourn the loss. I think this is all part of healing. I want to heal. I was stuck for so long in a relationship purgatory. But is this actual healing? One will never know. Mason still asks for him. He asks about his room. He asks about the cat and the dogs we had together. I guess it doesn't happen as frequently anymore. I know Mason loves him but we have a new life now. And from what I can gather, so does he. We don't talk anymore. I wouldn't call us friends. I don't know what to call it actually. I guess it is what it is.

I did manage to salvage the relationship I ended. It actually kinda happened on its own. No real effort, just a day by day thing. The birth of our child, Noah, brought me closer to him then I ever could have imagined. He is helping me heal. I make mistakes and I take it day by day. One day my heart will be whole again. Its getting there....

Childbirth.... Part 2.

Friday is finally upon us.... BABY DAY!!! Now I don't remember the exact times that all this stuff took place, so bear with me. I want to say this all started Friday afternoon. They had just put me on pitocin and man was I feeling anxious but one thing I wasn't feeling was labor. I was at 2 cm dilated and that is where I was staying. My doctor, bless her heart but I did want to kick her in the face, decided to try inserting this foley bulb. (sp ?) Lets take a moment to discuss this contraption. Imagine this long metal stick, almost like a wire hanger, with a turkey baster bulb on the end. The end with the bulb gets inserted into your cervix and the metal part that is now hanging out of you gets taped to the inside of your thigh to create tension. This, in theory, will help you dilate.

The pain was almost instantaneous. It was like period cramps on steroids. The pain wasn't in waves like contractions it was constant. Laying down was not an option. Neither was standing for that matter but it felt a tiny bit better when I did. At this point I would have given a vital organ to have this baby cut out of me immediately. I must of yelled that out a million times. Until the urge to poop came. Then that became my line of choice. I needed to go. My mom, bless her heart, associates the urge to poop with the baby coming down the birth canal. There was no way in hell she was going to let me go into a bathroom and take care of business. She said, and I quote, "I will not have any of my grandchildren born in a toilet". She then proceeded to tell me that if I had to go to go on the floor. I guess with all this carrying on a nurse finally came in to see what was going on. Long story short, I was able to poop on the toilet.

After the pooping episode, the pain was still constant and getting worse. I finally heard the magical word. Epidural... Why not breeze through the rest? I could have made love to the anesthesiologist. He was my hero! I now felt nothing. Ahhhhh! Feeling numb never felt so good. My epidural came with this magical little button for breakthrough pain. Every 30 minutes I can hit this button and renumb myself. Life is good again.

I was still at 2 cm dilated and the pitocin was not working. The baby's heart rate is all over the place so they take me off the pitocin. An hour later, I am at 5 cm. Couple of hours after that, 8 cm. Noah's heart rate is still dropping and jumping. Now I am scared. Not scared of the pain, but scared for Noah. Twice already they have rushed into the room, thrown an oxygen mask on me, and stare at the monitor. I feel my eyes fill up with water. I want to cry. I don't know what's happening. The doctor examines me and I am at 9 1/2 cm dilated. It is officially baby time. Foley bulb fell out and we are good to go.

I now have to push through my contractions. No big deal right? Well it would probably help if I knew when I was having one since I feel nothing. The nurse laughed and told me when to push. So pushed I did. They are rules with that too. Chin to your chest and push like you are pooping. Not so easy since I usually don't poop with my chin pushed against my chest. Three pushes later and a gush of water, Noah was out!

My 3 lb 15 oz, 17.5" long bundle of love. I got to see him a few minutes after he was born. I only got to see him for what felt like 30 seconds.

He had to be taken next door to All Children's NICU since he was premature. Now I am ready to get out of this bed. I tell the doctor I want to walk and she proceeds to tell me how we aren't done yet. What do you mean we aren't done yet? Don't even tell me there is another baby in there. Panic took over. Well I am dumb. I forgot about all the yucky stuff that has to come out after the baby. Duh.

I do want to thank Baby Daddy, my Mom, and bestie Jenice, for being there through this miracle. (And for dealing with my mouth). I don't think I could have done it without them. Love you guys :)

Kids playing soccer..

Why is it when kids play soccer it looks like the parents just sugared them up real good and freed them on an open field? It is total chaos. Even with team shirts, I don't think these kids actually know what team they play for.

Just an observation.