Monday, February 11, 2013

How do you heal yourself?

All of us go through life in our own ways. The cycle, however, is very similar. You meet people, people exit your life, you meet new people. Relationships form.  Relationships end. Its inevitable. It is human nature. But how do you heal when those relationships end?

My first adult relationship ended in divorce. I got married at 20. Young I know. We just weren't right for each other. First off we were 14 years apart. Secondly, we wanted different things out of life. 5 years into the marriage we separated. I wanted the divorce so it was easy for me to heal after that. Of course, for almost 5 years after we separated until the divorce was finally finalized, he proceeded to torment my life. And I am sure it will continue due to the fact we have Mason. He is the best thing that came out of that marriage. I make sure to remind myself of that daily.

My second adult relationship ended horribly. We started dating a short while after I separated from my ex. I give him a lot of kuddos. He dealt with all the stuff my ex was putting me through like a champ. Most men would have ran but he stuck by me. I really to this day don't know why. He didn't know me that well yet. Our relationship progressed. We were inseparable. He was my best friend. He was Mason's second dad. Almost 5 years into the relationship we made some mistakes. Costly mistakes. We broke up. We did however, continue to live with each other. Maybe this could work itself out? I was really distracted. I had a new job, and was meeting new people. A few months later I moved out.

I never really dealt with our breakup. It wasn't until I was in a new relationship and pregnant, then the feelings started to creep up on me. Hormones are a bitch. I wanted him back. By this point it was too late. The damage was done. I ended the current relationship to try to win him back. I failed. Too much damage has been done and I was too devastated to see it. All I was doing was torturing myself. I finally gave up. I waved the white flag. Be it what it may, you can't love someone that doesn't love you back. I would have never been what I once was to him. To be honest, at one point I would have accepted that.

How do you heal after that? Love does crazy things to us. Unexpected things. In a short time I lost what I thought was the love of my life and my best friend. Day by day I mourn the loss. I think this is all part of healing. I want to heal. I was stuck for so long in a relationship purgatory. But is this actual healing? One will never know. Mason still asks for him. He asks about his room. He asks about the cat and the dogs we had together. I guess it doesn't happen as frequently anymore. I know Mason loves him but we have a new life now. And from what I can gather, so does he. We don't talk anymore. I wouldn't call us friends. I don't know what to call it actually. I guess it is what it is.

I did manage to salvage the relationship I ended. It actually kinda happened on its own. No real effort, just a day by day thing. The birth of our child, Noah, brought me closer to him then I ever could have imagined. He is helping me heal. I make mistakes and I take it day by day. One day my heart will be whole again. Its getting there....

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